I studied Philosophy and Ethics at A Level and learnt about reincarnation, whether I believe in it or not I'm still not sure. I like the idea of every cycle having a new beginning though. Experience certain situations and if they don't work out, try and try again until they do.
I've met someone since my last post. We've been talking for around two weeks and we met up yesterday. I think I really like him, something that I haven't felt for a long time. I've endured certain people for purely selfish reasons, but liking someone is very different. I'm genuinely interested in everything that he has to say, he has a very pure heart and he makes me feel safe and comfortable in his company. I think he feels the same way but you can never be sure, and it's the unknown that makes it so very scary for me. I haven't even thought about lowering my barriers for anyone since James, I know I'm being silly and I will have to at some point but deciding who is worth it is a different story. I'm excited for where this could go, I have a very vivid, child-like imagination that is running away with all sorts of possibilities.
With me, one of the most attractive qualities in a person is intelligence. I need someone to stimulate me mentally and to challenge, to disagree and to not let me get away with all sorts. He provides that, and so much more. A natural connection isn't something you just stumble across, especially when you have such high expectations as I do. He just bulldozed into my life one day and I haven't been able to think of anything else since. It didn't work out with James, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep my barriers up and never try again. I don't know what will happen and I don't want to, I'd rather just sit back in a squishy armchair and watch the future unfold, all the while hoping for the best.
Thursday 29 May 2014
Thursday 15 May 2014
I found this Latin phrase in one of the books that I was reading recently and it stuck with me. It describes the past year of my life perfectly. Many will think it seems unrealistic that the phrase could ever mean anything to me because I'm "only nineteen", but this is untrue. I have known shadows, I have known emotional pain which many are lucky to only encounter later on in life.
I've always been a person to trust their gut instinct and stick to my guns but my ex-boyfriend taught me how to let my guard down and do things even if they didn't necessarily feel right. This was something that ultimately did me a lot of good, however destructive it became towards the end. I became an extremely trusting and loyal person who, for as long as I can remember, has been stubbornly independent, but he taught me that it was okay to depend on someone every once in a while. I love my family unconditionally of course, but I never thought that I would be able to love someone as irrevocably as I loved him. Don't get me wrong, we were far from perfect for each other. We hardly agreed on anything, like opposing ends of a magnet, and were both too proud to ever admit if we were in the wrong (I wasn't). To say he broke my heart is an understatement, let alone cringeworthy.
The last six months that we were together he put me through emotional hell. The constant lies, the reassurance, the not knowing... they were what broke me. If you don't know me personally then know that I was someone who was incredibly content with who I was, I was strong and understood my abilities and my faults and used them to my advantage. Those six months altered all of those characteristics that I prided myself on. I became blind and wholly dependent on another. I allowed myself to listen to his lies, to forgive him when he cried, to believe him when he said that he loved me, that he thought that I was beautiful, that this relationship was what he wanted. When he told me that he wanted to take a break, I let him, swearing down that I would do anything I could not to lose him, blaming myself for any doubt he had. We haven't spoken a single word to each other since, as I discovered more and more cheating it became apparent that I was never going to know everything and that I would never understand his actions regardless, understanding that accepting an apology that I was never going to get was the hardest part. It's been over a year now and the shadows are still there, though my light remains in the form of my family and the girls, and surprisingly, our new puppy (I think I transferred some of the hurt that I was feeling into loving her, which could never be a bad thing). I'm hoping that when I start uni in September more of the shadows will pass, I know it just takes time.
I've always been a person to trust their gut instinct and stick to my guns but my ex-boyfriend taught me how to let my guard down and do things even if they didn't necessarily feel right. This was something that ultimately did me a lot of good, however destructive it became towards the end. I became an extremely trusting and loyal person who, for as long as I can remember, has been stubbornly independent, but he taught me that it was okay to depend on someone every once in a while. I love my family unconditionally of course, but I never thought that I would be able to love someone as irrevocably as I loved him. Don't get me wrong, we were far from perfect for each other. We hardly agreed on anything, like opposing ends of a magnet, and were both too proud to ever admit if we were in the wrong (I wasn't). To say he broke my heart is an understatement, let alone cringeworthy.
The last six months that we were together he put me through emotional hell. The constant lies, the reassurance, the not knowing... they were what broke me. If you don't know me personally then know that I was someone who was incredibly content with who I was, I was strong and understood my abilities and my faults and used them to my advantage. Those six months altered all of those characteristics that I prided myself on. I became blind and wholly dependent on another. I allowed myself to listen to his lies, to forgive him when he cried, to believe him when he said that he loved me, that he thought that I was beautiful, that this relationship was what he wanted. When he told me that he wanted to take a break, I let him, swearing down that I would do anything I could not to lose him, blaming myself for any doubt he had. We haven't spoken a single word to each other since, as I discovered more and more cheating it became apparent that I was never going to know everything and that I would never understand his actions regardless, understanding that accepting an apology that I was never going to get was the hardest part. It's been over a year now and the shadows are still there, though my light remains in the form of my family and the girls, and surprisingly, our new puppy (I think I transferred some of the hurt that I was feeling into loving her, which could never be a bad thing). I'm hoping that when I start uni in September more of the shadows will pass, I know it just takes time.
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